To my beloved Andy,
I will try my best to convey my love for you in this letter, but it’s truly difficult to put the extent of my feelings into words. Let me begin by saying: you, Andrew Cohen, are my very own Susan Lucci.
The year was 2008. It was a rainy and bitter day in Hartford, Connecticut, so of course, I decided to skip class. As I lay in bed surfing the tube, I came across two attractive blonde women screaming at one another. And just like that, I was hooked.
After extensively “studying” each of the cast members via Google, I then came across your handsome mug. I instantly fell in love... Bravo love! Initially, I was disappointed to learn that you were gay because I thought maybe, somehow, I could make you my Jewish husband, but I soon realized I would totally settle for being best friends. Over the years, I have become what I like to call a “Bravo-head.” Not only am I an avid "Real Housewives" junkie, but Bravo is the only network I watch (aside from the "Today Show," but it’s all in the same building and who could resist Al Roker?). At this point in my letter, you’re probably wondering what sets me apart from the rest of the Bravo fans. The majority of your fans will call into ("Watch What Happens Live" and go on and on about how much they love you and send you tweets and fan mail. But I go home every night after work and say a prayer that one day, we will meet, you’ll realize you need a funny blonde side kick, and we’ll go to 16 Handles together. Do you go to 16 Handles? I bet you go somewhere fancy like 40Carrots in Bloomies or maybe somewhere too trendy for me to even know about.
Honestly, I’ve made an immense effort not to hide in the shrubs outside of your apartment. I made a promise to myself that when you and I eventually cross paths (oh, and we will), I would do my best not to seem like a complete lunatic. I just feel like our senses of humor are really similar and we’d make a compatible duo. I mean, how is it that I love EVERYTHING on Bravo? You are like a magician, but with a better wardrobe. Anything your beautifully manicured hands touch turns to production gold. You are such a star, Andy - - I can’t even imagine how proud Evelyn Cohen is.
Although I try to refrain from stalking you, I did go to your book reading for "Most Talkative" in Bryant Park two summers ago. Ya know, the one with you and Willie Geist? I saw that you were going to be there and I literally annoyed the shit out of my boss and coworkers about how excited I was to see you in the flesh. The book reading didn’t begin until noon but my boss let me leave at 11 because I was so irritating. When you approached the front of the crowd, I began sweating profusely and felt as if I was going to vomit on the lady’s head in front of me. Maybe I should have, then you definitely would have noticed me. Sadly, 20 minutes into your reading, my boss texted me to come back to the office. I could have killed him. He knew how important this was to me. So I hesitantly got up from my seat (which was seven fucking feet from you) and begrudgingly walked away from the most glorious moment of my life. As I made my way from the crowd, I took about 60 pictures of you -- so at least I had those to look at while I wept at my desk the rest of the afternoon. That was the first and last time I ever saw you in person. Le sigh.
The purpose of this letter is purely to express my admiration for you, Andy. Above all else, I respect your talent and work ethic and truly consider you a role model in countless ways. I have been writing and performing stand up as well as practicing improv for the past few years and my ultimate goal is to pursue a career in writing. I am truly happiest when I am working creatively and I know that is something you can relate to. I hope you don't think this is a scheme to guilt you into helping me chase this dream of mine. Although, I would not be opposed to being a guest bartender on WWHL. Bravo and the "Real Housewives" are my world, but you, Andy -- you are my heart. I look forward to the day we finally meet, whenever that may be. I will warn you in advance that my hands will most likely be very clammy, but just know that it comes from a place of love.
I hope this letter didn’t make you uncomfortably creeped out and I really hope you don’t file a restraining order against me.
Did I mention I love you?
Your forever loyal fan & potential BFF,
Ariel Klein
From Lady Gaga's new music video: "G.U.Y"
It's like she hacked my brain.
